I deserved this.

I respond to a man who posts on Craigslist that he can fix any problem. I ask him how one fixes a heart filled with liquid nitrogen. We drink beers together several times. He is a gentle kisser and an artist. His work looks like ink thrown on paper and I don’t know what this means. He sees me kissing another boy in front of the Pink and tells me I will be good material. I am legitimately sorry, but I am unsure what for, exactly. This is how I come to realize that I am incapable of letting myself be loved.

I post for him on Missed Connections about a dream I have. It starts out slow.  He kidnaps me, but I am not scared because I know he is never going to hurt me.  He holds my hand as he guides me blindfolded through the woods.  I get tired and he offers to carry me, only he carries me over his shoulders like a doll or a bow staff.  I fall asleep and when I wake up we are in a cabin and he is making us coffee.  Cream and sugar. He forgets I am lactose intolerant and I get really sick.  He holds my hair while I vomit off the porch.  There was is toilet but a claw foot tub where we take a bath in our clothes.  I fall asleep on him in the tub.  When I wake up I am naked in his bed.  I did not know where he is so I stayed in bed.  He runs in and picks me up; my clothes mysteriously appear on my body.  We have to go and go now.  We run.  We run until I wake up in the morning sopping wet and naked in my bathtub.

I post again after this that I am sorry for the thing I did. I know what it is now. I hope that he isn’t using his sex for revenge.